Stepping Stones

I feel like I'm standing still on a cement stepping stone, not wanting to move. 

This is the picture I have in my head: 

the Lord lays down a path, some stones you may see, some may lead through a garden and around a bend that you can't see. 

Some pathways are freshly poured, not ready to be explored yet, as the mixture has not set. 

If you end up going off on your own without a guide, you may end up stepping full force into an area that isn't ready to be walked on. 

I feel like I have done a little toe-tapping in wet cement hoping that it will just freeze, allowing me to walk down that path. Whether it be a job, housing, relationships, or any other desired opportunity. But only He knows when the pathway has hardened enough for me to experience it in it's fullness. He has perfect timing. 

I wonder if I've hopped one stone to another prematurely - missing out on a different stroll - kinda like in Candy Land when you get to skip across the bridge when you could have gone the long way around . . .  and that is when the Lord whispers to me, "all things work together for good to those who love Me..."

Okay, moving on to how this picture came about in my head...

Last Night's Consumption:

Last night I was consumed with an overwhelming feeling of discomfort. It was drawn from a thought of something I felt the Lord asking of me - "Are you willing to . . . " I was lost in an entanglement of thoughts - full of spinning worries, whirling doubts, and complete lack of trust. My relaxing bath turned into a time where I felt like I was drowning in my own fear. If I were to feel that the Lord was actually asking me to do a specific thing, would I be willing to put every SINGLE thing aside and obey? I felt sick to my stomach. I could just hear the whispers of those who doubt, 

"I knew she would never make it, 

she failed and is backtracking." 

But I know those are complete lies. I go through cycles of living in full surrender, then drifting, drifting, drifting, till I'm abruptly reminded of who I am in the Lord. 

It doesn't matter what job I have, what society thinks, or how friends and family respond to the way I live. When I'm living in the will of God, none of that matters. But so quickly I forget, I'm HIS. 

So whether last night was simply a wakeup call allowing me to see how tightly I *think* I have my fingers wrapped around my own little life, or if I'm in a place where I am required to grasp the hand of the Guide and step along the stones that he has paved for this next season - I am ready for the leap!

I hope - {a strong and confident expectation} - that this next chapter is going to be full of new things - things that are going to be challenging but required to become prepared for what the Lord is going to do. This weekend, it became quite clear how tight of a hold I have on what I have. But I haven't earned any of the things I have. It is all the Lord's. And as quick as He placed them infront of me, the quicker He can strip them away. I am so thankful for these past two humbling, challenging, conviction-filled days. I would love if you would join me in prayer as I enter into this new chapter. And as importantly, allow me to pray for you in your journey, as well!

Romans 8:24-28 NIV

"For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God's people in accordance with the will of God. And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

(I apologize for the roughness of this written mess, my bunk is calling my name)

365 Days

As I sit propped against 2 white pillows, knees tucked under the crisp, clean sheets, shoulders draped by a cozy red throw, my mind goes back to when I allowed myself to think, write, and pray. This is the room where it all began. 

{I'm house sitting where I lived for the first 5 months in TN} 

Full of peace, never lacking in thoughts, always a place of comfort- this room allowed me to break my habits that I had known for years. Long gone was the ability to be busy. God had a perfect plan to break away the comforts of my old life and begin to rebuild me in a way that to this day humbles me. My Nashville parents provided me with a beginning that not too many have the opportunity to experience. Those 3 months allowed me to have an intimacy with the Lord that you can't have any other way than without a job, without a car, and without your community of friends close by.

 I was reading through blogs I had written over the course of this past year and was stunned by one of them. I had written a list of things that I had desired to check off as soon as I made the move to Tennessee. But those were the things that would have clouded my devoted time with the Lord. I didn't know it then, but looking back, I understand why I didn't have the opportunity to draw a big fat line through the things on the list. And the funny thing, that's the way each situation has been- not working the way I initially desired, but unfolding in a way that practically brings me to tears once my eyes are opened to the miraculous plan that has been so intricately designed for me.

I moved without a community, and now I have a growing community that I adore, I moved without a job, and have had the opportunity to have jobs that I can't even begin to describe how much joy they bring- the list is never ending and is always multiplying. 

I have learned that trusting in the Lord is the back bone of living. So often I forget about that major part, and am quickly reminded when everything starts to peel over. Just the other day I was telling someone my story. They responded by saying, 

"God is really at work in your life" 

and all I could think was, my life wouldn't be working with out Him in my life. This past year has been one of the hardest years of my entire life (and I certainly hope they don't get easier) and I have grown tremendously. Whenever I think about why things happened the way they did this past year, I see so clearly that God's hand was there the whole time. . . and why would you want to explain your life to someone without having Him woven through the pages of your story. It makes me so giddy about what trials and adventures I will encounter over the next 12 months, simply so I can continue to see God's handiwork in my life. 

So now I continue on this journey, turning the page to the next chapter. 

Ephesians 2:10

For we are God’s handiwork, 

created in Christ Jesus to do good works, 

which God prepared in advance for us to do.

California Farm Girl Memories

Autumn has always been a time for harvest in my life- 

an apparent change in seasons.

There is not another time of year that holds as many memories within.

Squirrels storing walnuts for the winter, constantly communicating with the obnoxious black crows about the big, green John Deer tractor trudging through the orchard

Walnuts gathered and taken to the barn- marking the beginning of the harvesting process, and knowing the time to be sent to Red Diamond was near because you woke to the repetitive sound of the dried walnuts being tossed in huge metal containers

Classic Country tunes (Alan Jackson, Paul Overstreet, Randy Travis, Dixie Chicks, Allison Krauss, Blake Shelton, Travis Tritt...) playing through the static of our new black cassett player/radio while we watched the peacock fan his feathers.

Chickens strutting around the yard, clucking as they search for their newest hidden laying spot.

Pansies colored in every possible shade, laying about the morning shadow of the 400 year old Oak.

Young giddy Girl Scouts competing on who will make the most vote worthy scarecrow.

New shipments of fresh apples arriving constantly, never ceasing to announce their arrival with their distinct aroma.

The all too familiar sound of the wiry metal rake, attempting to grab a hold of the endless supply of tannin filled Oak leaves.

Towering stacks of freshly bundled hay bales, reserving one of the best views of the setting sun over the Walnut trees, quietly disappearing behind the hills not too far off. 

"Morning B" chart on the fridge, waiting to be completed before school was to start at the kitchen table.

Grandparents down for the month, taking their responsibilities to an unreachable level of passion as they led Fall Tours through the Walnut Farm and Nursery.

Weekends full of festivities, caramel apples, puppet shows, macaroni necklace making, hay rides through the orchard, apple tasting, pumpkin gathering, hay maze fun, game playing, petting zoo, pony rides- all the fun a family could have on a brisk day in October. 

Great Grandma's famous apple pie recipe in the oven- metal apple peeler still clamped to the cutting board- one of my favorite pieces in a kitchen! 

And the tradition that still to this day remains only in our family- putting up the Christmas tree on Halloween. (Living on the property of a retail nursery results in the Christmas spirit coming quite early!)

Oh how hard it was to not have any of those memories to live out this year. I guess for me it was always a huge part of my Birthday, since it was smack dab in the middle of all the fun. And when you grow up with all of that around you, it becomes a lifestyle...one that will NEVER be forgotten.

So now I lay in my bunk, on a tour bus, in the middle of Arkansas... Soon to be reuniting with those familiar memories at the end of this tour, not for long, but for just enough time to say a quick hello- a perfect visit. 

Ecclesiastes 3:1

"For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven."

I'm on a journey...

As I sit in the bus and think back to just 5 weeks ago, I can't help but feel overwhelmed at the journey.

So many friendships formed, 

memories embedded, 

laughter taken advantage of, 

learning experiences to the ends and back - 

overall a wonderful adventure...and just 3 shows left on this tour

 I'm on a journey to find myself, each moment passing, each event adding to my experience. If only I could understand the beauty of the community I have around me. Valued relationships are all around, and all I can do is sit and ponder -

"I'm not good enough"

"I don't deserve that gal as my friend"

"I'm not worth"

NO! It's not true, but why do I continue to believe that?

I've set myself up to fail because I've looked to man for acceptance. Over the past few weeks, I have had the most amazing, godly, and truthful individuals speak into my life - calling me out in some areas, and praising and encouraging me in others. It's one thing to hear it from those around me but a completely different story to believe it in my own heart. A song that remains a constant reminder is one that is played each night on the tour. It talks about being worth it, being valuble, and having purpose.

 . . . Someone Worth Dying For . . .

You might be the wife, waiting up at night
You might be the man, struggling to provide
feeling like it's hopeless
Maybe you're the son who chose a broken road
Maybe you're the girl thinking you'll end up alone
Praying God can you hear me?
Oh, God are you listening?

Am I more than flesh and bone?
Am I really something beautiful?
Yeah, I want to believe, I want to believe that
I'm not just some wandering soul
That you don't see and you don't know
Yeah, I want to believe, Jesus help me believe
That I am someone worth dying for

I know you've heard the truth that God has set you free
But you think you're the one that grace could never reach
So you just keep asking, Oh, what everybody's asking

Am I more than flesh and bone?
Am I really something beautiful?
Yeah, I want to believe, I want to believe that
I'm not just some wandering soul
That you don't see and you don't know
Yeah, I want to believe, Jesus help me believe
That I am someone worth dying for

You're worth it, you can't earn it
Yeah, the cross has proven,
That you're sacred and blameless.
Your life has purpose!
 

You are more than flesh and bone
Can't you see your something beautiful
Yeah, you gotta believe, you gotta believe
He wants you to see, He wants you to see that
You're not just some wandering soul
That can't be seen and can't be known
You gotta believe, you gotta believe
That you are someone worth dying for

You're someone worth dying for
Someone worth dying for

There couldn't be a better time for this song to be forced upon my ears, heart, and mind. It's such a powerful reminder, and I hope that it brings encouragement along with peace that there is so much more to this life than what the world and society suggests.

I wish it were easy to be blessable, confident, secure, but then I wouldn't be stretched, wouldn't be growing, wouldn't be able to become the woman that God desires me to be. My prayer tonight is that I would leave my doubt of deserving grace at the foot of the cross. Simply asking to have a peace that He truly has made me the way I am for a greater purpose than my own understanding.

Ephesians 2:8-10 (GNT)

"For it is by God's grace that you have been saved through faith. It is not the result of your own efforts, but God's gift, so that no one can boast about it. God has made us what we are, and in our union with Christ Jesus he has created us for a life of good deeds, which he has already prepared for us to do."

. . . Calm . . .

There is something about sitting in the dim light, sipping tea, 

and listening to music that calms the soul.

So much is stirring inside of me. In my heart, mind, & soul.

Deep down inside, I believe that the stirring is good - pushing me forward. But for goodness sakes, it's exhausting, challenging, and overall, plain overwhelming! 

It's been an interesting past few weeks, full of:

new experiences, 

new opportunities, 

new challenges.

One month ago I committed to not worrying about the things that are not my responsibility. It amazes me that not even a day after, I was hired as a barista. One week later, I was asked to join the YMCA Team. I wish that I could express every feeling of emotion as I have begun to realize

 God really does have a plan - 

always has...always will! The things that I have experienced recently continue to blow my mind in different ways as I realize just how uniquely they fit together in my crazy life!

But currently, I feel worn to the bone. I'm tired of trying to make things work...and that is when I am reminded that in this moment, I simply need to be calm - still - and wait upon the Lord.

Isaiah 40:29-40 (NKJV)

²⁹ He gives power to the weak,
      And to those who have no might He increases strength.
       ³⁰ Even the youths shall faint and be weary,
      And the young men shall utterly fall,
       ³¹ But those who wait on the LORD
      Shall renew their strength;
      They shall mount up with wings like eagles,
      They shall run and not be weary,
      They shall walk and not faint.

Stepping out in faith . . .

Funny how God knows what's best . . . 

if I could just (permanently) learn those things called:

  TRUST & GIVING UP CONTROL.

  

. . . . . . . . . . . {Psalm 32:8} . . . . . . . . . . .

"I WILL guide you along the best pathway for YOUR life.

I WILL advise you and watch over you." 

I'm slowly starting to realize the importance of family. The support that only they know how to give, the understanding that only they have. I know there is going to be change in my life- when is there not?! I can either choose to accept it, or try and fight it and be miserable. Over the past 6 months, I have been BLESSED with countless opportunities and individuals who have impacted me in tremendous ways . . . I don't even want to think about how differently things would have gone if I didn't step out in faith and move to Nashville.

I wish I could say:

"I know what's coming!" 

But that has never been the case for me. I will, once again, step out in faith and await my next adventure on this journey, whatever and wherever that may be. The only thing I know is that "I will follow" as I sing aloud the lyrics of one of my favorite worship songs by Chris Tomlin . . .

"Where you go I'll go, 

where you stay I'll stay. 

When you move I'll move. 

I will follow you."

Submitting Once Again

I woke unusually early this morning, and this song was so fitting.

I have so many dreams, so many goals, so many passions. 

 Just thinking about how God can use a sinner like me is simply amazing! 

Sometimes I get caught up in what I need to do next, instead of fully allowing God to orchestrate my life. So often, but not nearly enough, I am reminded of just how small my little life is. Unfortunately, it's a regular occurrence where I forget the fact that God doesn't need me- He wants me and wants to use me- but I am in no way entitled to the blessing of being used. So today I go back to the reality that I need to submit, yet again, all of my worries, dreams, and overall life back to Him.

Psalm 119:169-176 (MSG)

 ^169-176 Let my cry come right into your presence, God;
      provide me with the insight that comes only from your Word.
   Give my request your personal attention,
      rescue me on the terms of your promise.
   Let praise cascade off my lips;
      after all, you've taught me the truth about life!
   And let your promises ring from my tongue;
      every order you've given is right.
   Put your hand out and steady me
      since I've chosen to live by your counsel.
   I'm homesick, God, for your salvation;
      I love it when you show yourself!
   Invigorate my soul so I can praise you well,
      use your decrees to put iron in my soul.
   And should I wander off like a lost sheep—seek me!
      I'll recognize the sound of your voice.