I'm on a journey...

As I sit in the bus and think back to just 5 weeks ago, I can't help but feel overwhelmed at the journey.

So many friendships formed, 

memories embedded, 

laughter taken advantage of, 

learning experiences to the ends and back - 

overall a wonderful adventure...and just 3 shows left on this tour

 I'm on a journey to find myself, each moment passing, each event adding to my experience. If only I could understand the beauty of the community I have around me. Valued relationships are all around, and all I can do is sit and ponder -

"I'm not good enough"

"I don't deserve that gal as my friend"

"I'm not worth"

NO! It's not true, but why do I continue to believe that?

I've set myself up to fail because I've looked to man for acceptance. Over the past few weeks, I have had the most amazing, godly, and truthful individuals speak into my life - calling me out in some areas, and praising and encouraging me in others. It's one thing to hear it from those around me but a completely different story to believe it in my own heart. A song that remains a constant reminder is one that is played each night on the tour. It talks about being worth it, being valuble, and having purpose.

 . . . Someone Worth Dying For . . .

You might be the wife, waiting up at night
You might be the man, struggling to provide
feeling like it's hopeless
Maybe you're the son who chose a broken road
Maybe you're the girl thinking you'll end up alone
Praying God can you hear me?
Oh, God are you listening?

Am I more than flesh and bone?
Am I really something beautiful?
Yeah, I want to believe, I want to believe that
I'm not just some wandering soul
That you don't see and you don't know
Yeah, I want to believe, Jesus help me believe
That I am someone worth dying for

I know you've heard the truth that God has set you free
But you think you're the one that grace could never reach
So you just keep asking, Oh, what everybody's asking

Am I more than flesh and bone?
Am I really something beautiful?
Yeah, I want to believe, I want to believe that
I'm not just some wandering soul
That you don't see and you don't know
Yeah, I want to believe, Jesus help me believe
That I am someone worth dying for

You're worth it, you can't earn it
Yeah, the cross has proven,
That you're sacred and blameless.
Your life has purpose!
 

You are more than flesh and bone
Can't you see your something beautiful
Yeah, you gotta believe, you gotta believe
He wants you to see, He wants you to see that
You're not just some wandering soul
That can't be seen and can't be known
You gotta believe, you gotta believe
That you are someone worth dying for

You're someone worth dying for
Someone worth dying for

There couldn't be a better time for this song to be forced upon my ears, heart, and mind. It's such a powerful reminder, and I hope that it brings encouragement along with peace that there is so much more to this life than what the world and society suggests.

I wish it were easy to be blessable, confident, secure, but then I wouldn't be stretched, wouldn't be growing, wouldn't be able to become the woman that God desires me to be. My prayer tonight is that I would leave my doubt of deserving grace at the foot of the cross. Simply asking to have a peace that He truly has made me the way I am for a greater purpose than my own understanding.

Ephesians 2:8-10 (GNT)

"For it is by God's grace that you have been saved through faith. It is not the result of your own efforts, but God's gift, so that no one can boast about it. God has made us what we are, and in our union with Christ Jesus he has created us for a life of good deeds, which he has already prepared for us to do."

. . . Calm . . .

There is something about sitting in the dim light, sipping tea, 

and listening to music that calms the soul.

So much is stirring inside of me. In my heart, mind, & soul.

Deep down inside, I believe that the stirring is good - pushing me forward. But for goodness sakes, it's exhausting, challenging, and overall, plain overwhelming! 

It's been an interesting past few weeks, full of:

new experiences, 

new opportunities, 

new challenges.

One month ago I committed to not worrying about the things that are not my responsibility. It amazes me that not even a day after, I was hired as a barista. One week later, I was asked to join the YMCA Team. I wish that I could express every feeling of emotion as I have begun to realize

 God really does have a plan - 

always has...always will! The things that I have experienced recently continue to blow my mind in different ways as I realize just how uniquely they fit together in my crazy life!

But currently, I feel worn to the bone. I'm tired of trying to make things work...and that is when I am reminded that in this moment, I simply need to be calm - still - and wait upon the Lord.

Isaiah 40:29-40 (NKJV)

²⁹ He gives power to the weak,
      And to those who have no might He increases strength.
       ³⁰ Even the youths shall faint and be weary,
      And the young men shall utterly fall,
       ³¹ But those who wait on the LORD
      Shall renew their strength;
      They shall mount up with wings like eagles,
      They shall run and not be weary,
      They shall walk and not faint.

Stepping out in faith . . .

Funny how God knows what's best . . . 

if I could just (permanently) learn those things called:

  TRUST & GIVING UP CONTROL.

  

. . . . . . . . . . . {Psalm 32:8} . . . . . . . . . . .

"I WILL guide you along the best pathway for YOUR life.

I WILL advise you and watch over you." 

I'm slowly starting to realize the importance of family. The support that only they know how to give, the understanding that only they have. I know there is going to be change in my life- when is there not?! I can either choose to accept it, or try and fight it and be miserable. Over the past 6 months, I have been BLESSED with countless opportunities and individuals who have impacted me in tremendous ways . . . I don't even want to think about how differently things would have gone if I didn't step out in faith and move to Nashville.

I wish I could say:

"I know what's coming!" 

But that has never been the case for me. I will, once again, step out in faith and await my next adventure on this journey, whatever and wherever that may be. The only thing I know is that "I will follow" as I sing aloud the lyrics of one of my favorite worship songs by Chris Tomlin . . .

"Where you go I'll go, 

where you stay I'll stay. 

When you move I'll move. 

I will follow you."

Submitting Once Again

I woke unusually early this morning, and this song was so fitting.

I have so many dreams, so many goals, so many passions. 

 Just thinking about how God can use a sinner like me is simply amazing! 

Sometimes I get caught up in what I need to do next, instead of fully allowing God to orchestrate my life. So often, but not nearly enough, I am reminded of just how small my little life is. Unfortunately, it's a regular occurrence where I forget the fact that God doesn't need me- He wants me and wants to use me- but I am in no way entitled to the blessing of being used. So today I go back to the reality that I need to submit, yet again, all of my worries, dreams, and overall life back to Him.

Psalm 119:169-176 (MSG)

 ^169-176 Let my cry come right into your presence, God;
      provide me with the insight that comes only from your Word.
   Give my request your personal attention,
      rescue me on the terms of your promise.
   Let praise cascade off my lips;
      after all, you've taught me the truth about life!
   And let your promises ring from my tongue;
      every order you've given is right.
   Put your hand out and steady me
      since I've chosen to live by your counsel.
   I'm homesick, God, for your salvation;
      I love it when you show yourself!
   Invigorate my soul so I can praise you well,
      use your decrees to put iron in my soul.
   And should I wander off like a lost sheep—seek me!
      I'll recognize the sound of your voice. 

One sentence at a time

I don't really know what I'm writing, but I know that I need to write and process. So I pray that God would give me words to speak, not only for my own desire to process, but to also be an encouragement.

It's the simple things in life that I absolutely love- sitting outside listening to the birds chirp their little hearts out across the tree tops, watching young squirrels chase each other down in the yard without a worry or plan, and the subtle lightening bugs practicing in the dusk ligh for their late night rave. But it's these kind of days where the emotions are raw, the stress is high, and peace is in reach. This is where reality becomes clear that even when you choose to be joyful, it's not always easy.

I keep getting lost in the thoughts, the memories, the stories of the past several months. It's these rocky moments when I am aware of where I came from, knowing that I don't really know where I'm going. I bought a one way ticket here, but what does that mean comes next on this journey. The journey is where I learn, where I stumble and fall, where I cry, where I ask "why?"...but also where I smile, where I roll on the floor in laughter, where I rejoice, where I KNOW that I am going to be all right.

So much is up in the air, but when does God say that everything needs to be resting comfortably on the ground? Who knows what is on the next page of this crazy chapter, but all I can do is read one sentence at a time.

Matthew 6:33-35 (MSG)

"If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don't you think he'll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I'm trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God's giving. People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met. "Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.

Weeds of Life

 

I spent part of the day yesterday pulling unruly and unwanted weeds from the grass (or lack there of). There was a section of the lawn that was just screaming for help. The few week old seeds were being choked by the overpowering weeds. As I loosened and pulled the tangled plants from the moist soil, I began to see weeding in a different way.

At first I didn't have hope that the grass seeds were growing, but after doing a little investigating, I found little sprouts hidden under matted dead roots and entangled weeds. Our lives have the opportunity to grow and prosper. We can produce fruit and love, but sometimes there are other things that overpower those forming habits. I think that if we were to spend time doing a little bit of maintenance - while still nursing those baby habits - our lives could be used for a much bigger purpose.

Sometimes when we are cleaning out the old matted roots, and tugging the unruly weeds, we pull up some of the new growth. Just like in life, when we start sorting through the root of old habits, sometimes we fall back into the same old patterns, resulting in us having to start from scratch all over again. But thank God for second chances, right?!

After all the weeds were tossed in the trash, grass seed was tossed on the fertile soil. They all have a chance to cover the bare dirt with fresh, vibrant, and lush grass. It just needs the opportunity and resources to thrive.

And I'm sure, once that patch is beautiful, there will be another area that needs maintenance. It's a never ending process, but if it isn't taken care of and nurtured properly, all of the grass will get choked up by the deceptive weeds. The ugly unwanted plants look green and lush, spreading so nicely about the soil - but the damage it is doing under the surface is deadly. Sin likes to be sneaky, trying hard to blend in. But it's ruining what is left of the healthy, maturing grass - preventing anything from surviving. I think I'm at a place where I need to analyze (or should I say, allow God to show me) what in my life are weeds, and what areas I need to start cultivating so that I can encourage those little seedlings to grow and mature, rather than be swallowed up by the deceiving weeds.

Once those little seeds have pushed up through the soil and reached out for life, they have to be cared for and nurtured. We as humans, Christians, sinners, need support as we continue to grow. It doesn't happen overnight, and we certainly can't do it on our own. Seeds don't just sprout - they need water, food, and light. And sometimes, it takes a few tries to get a successful crop with the right balance of each resource, but you can't get any success without planting it in the first place.

Luke 8

". . . This is the meaning of the parable: The seed is the word of God . . ."

Galatians 6:7-8

^7-8Don't be misled: No one makes a fool of God. What a person plants, he will harvest. The person who plants selfishness, ignoring the needs of others—ignoring God!—harvests a crop of weeds. All he'll have to show for his life is weeds! But the one who plants in response to God, letting God's Spirit do the growth work in him, harvests a crop of real life, eternal life. 

 ...

Valley Between Two Hills

I always dislike the feeling of trying to stop myself as I am gaining speed coming down a hill - getting to a point where my legs can't and won't move at the frightening speed I'm traveling! Why is the phrase "It's all down hill from here" used in a positive way? It's simply a faceplant waiting to happen! Just when I feel like I am steadying my stride, there is a change in pace.

The job that I desired finally comes along,
then I am stuck wondering "where to next."

I get started on a role of doing my morning devotion, 

then I don't have the passion anymore.

I finally meet and am surrounded by amazing, fun, and accepting people, 

then I dwell in the lies and insecurities that I thought were long gone.

What's wrong with me?

Is it really that hard to simply be content?

Either I'm trudging up a hill, or I'm falling down on the other side. In both circumstances, I am in need of someone there holding my hand, reassuring me that I'm NEVER alone.

Isaiah 41:10
Don’t be afraid, because I am with you.
Don’t be intimidated; I am your God.
I will strengthen you.
I will help you.
I will support you with my victorious right hand.

Each and every day, I have to choose whether or not I'm going to trust and KNOW that God has a plan, or if I'm going to worry that I don't know what's ahead. Looking from an outsider's perspective it seems like such an easy decision to make, but why in the world do some people (especially myself) get caught up in worrying!?

Philippians 4:6-7

Don’t worry about anything; 

instead, pray about everything. 

Tell God what you need, 

and thank him for all he has done. 

Then you will experience God’s peace, 

which exceeds anything we can understand. 

His peace will guard your hearts and minds 

as you live in Christ Jesus.