"I WILL guide you along the best pathway for YOUR life.
I WILL advise you and watch over you."
I'm slowly starting to realize the importance of family. The support that only they know how to give, the understanding that only they have. I know there is going to be change in my life- when is there not?! I can either choose to accept it, or try and fight it and be miserable. Over the past 6 months, I have been BLESSED with countless opportunities and individuals who have impacted me in tremendous ways . . . I don't even want to think about how differently things would have gone if I didn't step out in faith and move to Nashville.
I wish I could say:
"I know what's coming!"
But that has never been the case for me. I will, once again, step out in faith and await my next adventure on this journey, whatever and wherever that may be. The only thing I know is that "I will follow" as I sing aloud the lyrics of one of my favorite worship songs by Chris Tomlin . . .
I woke unusually early this morning, and this song was so fitting.
I have so many dreams, so many goals, so many passions.
Just thinking about how God can use a sinner like me is simply amazing!
Sometimes I get caught up in what I need to do next, instead of fully allowing God to orchestrate my life. So often, but not nearly enough, I am reminded of just how small my little life is. Unfortunately, it's a regular occurrence where I forget the fact that God doesn't need me-He wants me and wants to use me- but I am in no way entitled to the blessing of being used. So today I go back to the reality that I need to submit, yet again, all of my worries, dreams, and overall life back to Him.
Psalm 119:169-176 (MSG)
169-176 Let my cry come right into your presence, God;
provide me with the insight that comes only from your Word.
Give my request your personal attention,
rescue me on the terms of your promise.
Let praise cascade off my lips;
after all, you've taught me the truth about life!
And let your promises ring from my tongue;
every order you've given is right.
Put your hand out and steady me
since I've chosen to live by your counsel.
I'm homesick, God, for your salvation;
I love it when you show yourself!
Invigorate my soul so I can praise you well,
use your decrees to put iron in my soul.
And should I wander off like a lost sheep—seek me!
I'll recognize the sound of your voice.
I don't really know what I'm writing, but I know that I need to write and process. So I pray that God would give me words to speak, not only for my own desire to process, but to also be an encouragement.
It's the simple things in life that I absolutely love- sitting outside listening to the birds chirp their little hearts out across the tree tops, watching young squirrels chase each other down in the yard without a worry or plan, and the subtle lightening bugs practicing in the dusk ligh for their late night rave. But it's these kind of days where the emotions are raw, the stress is high, and peace is in reach. This is where reality becomes clear that even when you choose to be joyful, it's not always easy.
I keep getting lost in the thoughts, the memories, the stories of the past several months. It's these rocky moments when I am aware of where I came from, knowing that I don't really know where I'm going. I bought a one way ticket here, but what does that mean comes next on this journey. The journey is where I learn, where I stumble and fall, where I cry, where I ask "why?"...but also where I smile, where I roll on the floor in laughter, where I rejoice, where I KNOW that I am going to be all right.
So much is up in the air, but when does God say that everything needs to be resting comfortably on the ground? Who knows what is on the next page of this crazy chapter, but all I can do is read one sentence at a time.
Matthew 6:33-35 (MSG)
"If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don't you think he'll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I'm trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God's giving. People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met. "Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.
I spent part of the day yesterday pulling unruly and unwanted weeds from the grass (or lack there of). There was a section of the lawn that was just screaming for help. The few week old seeds were being choked by the overpowering weeds. As I loosened and pulled the tangled plants from the moist soil, I began to see weeding in a different way.
At first I didn't have hope that the grass seeds were growing, but after doing a little investigating, I found little sprouts hidden under matted dead roots and entangled weeds. Our lives have the opportunity to grow and prosper. We can produce fruit and love, but sometimes there are other things that overpower those forming habits. I think that if we were to spend time doing a little bit of maintenance - while still nursing those baby habits - our lives could be used for a much bigger purpose.
Sometimes when we are cleaning out the old matted roots, and tugging the unruly weeds, we pull up some of the new growth. Just like in life, when we start sorting through the root of old habits, sometimes we fall back into the same old patterns, resulting in us having to start from scratch all over again. But thank God for second chances, right?!
After all the weeds were tossed in the trash, grass seed was tossed on the fertile soil. They all have a chance to cover the bare dirt with fresh, vibrant, and lush grass. It just needs the opportunity and resources to thrive.
And I'm sure, once that patch is beautiful, there will be another area that needs maintenance. It's a never ending process, but if it isn't taken care of and nurtured properly, all of the grass will get choked up by the deceptive weeds. The ugly unwanted plants look green and lush, spreading so nicely about the soil - but the damage it is doing under the surface is deadly. Sin likes to be sneaky, trying hard to blend in. But it's ruining what is left of the healthy, maturing grass - preventing anything from surviving. I think I'm at a place where I need to analyze (or should I say, allow God to show me) what in my life are weeds, and what areas I need to start cultivating so that I can encourage those little seedlings to grow and mature, rather than be swallowed up by the deceiving weeds.
Once those little seeds have pushed up through the soil and reached out for life, they have to be cared for and nurtured. We as humans, Christians, sinners, need support as we continue to grow. It doesn't happen overnight, and we certainly can't do it on our own. Seeds don't just sprout - they need water, food, and light. And sometimes, it takes a few tries to get a successful crop with the right balance of each resource, but you can't get any success without planting it in the first place.
". . . This is the meaning of the parable: The seed is the word of God . . ."
Galatians 6:7-8
7-8Don't be misled: No one makes a fool of God. What a person plants, he will harvest. The person who plants selfishness, ignoring the needs of others—ignoring God!—harvests a crop of weeds. All he'll have to show for his life is weeds! But the one who plants in response to God, letting God's Spirit do the growth work in him, harvests a crop of real life, eternal life.
I always dislike the feeling of trying to stop myself as I am gaining speed coming down a hill - getting to a point where my legs can't and won't move at the frightening speed I'm traveling! Why is the phrase "It's all down hill from here" used in a positive way? It's simply a faceplant waiting to happen! Just when I feel like I am steadying my stride, there is a change in pace.
The job that I desired finally comes along,
then I am stuck wondering "where to next."
I get started on a role of doing my morning devotion,
then I don't have the passion anymore.
I finally meet and am surrounded by amazing, fun, and accepting people,
then I dwell in the lies and insecurities that I thought were long gone.
What's wrong with me?
Is it really that hard to simply be content?
Either I'm trudging up a hill, or I'm falling down on the other side. In both circumstances, I am in need of someone there holding my hand, reassuring me that I'm NEVER alone.
Isaiah 41:10 Don’t be afraid, because I am with you. Don’t be intimidated; I am your God. I will strengthen you. I will help you. I will support you with my victorious right hand.
Each and every day, I have to choose whether or not I'm going to trust and KNOW that God has a plan, or if I'm going to worry that I don't know what's ahead. Looking from an outsider's perspective it seems like such an easy decision to make, but why in the world do some people (especially myself) get caught up in worrying!?
As I sit and write, I can't help but notice the simple blessings I have around me. The "popcorn" trees morphing into lush green foliage, the feeling of the cool breeze as it gently blows through the sheer curtain framing the window, and the sound of the bright red cardinal as they rejoice in the day they have been given.
Two weeks ago, I sat in this same place, wondering,
"Why am I here?"
Am I ever going to get a job?"
Did I make a mistake in coming?"
What is my purpose in being here...?"
What in the world was I thinking moving across the country?"
But today is different. I know I'm here for a reason. I am confident that God is going to use me in ways that I can't even imagine. I have a choice to respond when God calls me to serve. All too often I look over the opportunities and then wonder why God isn't using me. Maybe he's trying, but I'm just to wrapped up in myself to realize.
Throughout the past week, I've been thinking about God's timing. It's been so hard trying to balance the desire for a job, and then being available for those around me who are suffering. As I wait for that one email that could change my future, I wonder if this is the time to take a job. In my head I had a plan of what I thought my job would be like, but God may show me another route that will take me further than I ever thought possible.
Joseph Campbell said,
.
"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned,
so as to have the life that is waiting for us."
.
I feel that sometimes we get so caught up in "THE JOB", or "THE MONEY" when we should be having faith that God will provide.
It's amazing how often I am reminded that there is a bigger purpose for my life than just "existing". Constantly, I am searching for how I can be used. I get frustrated when a job doesn't go through...but why? As I look back at all the doors that I wanted to walk through, I realize how different my life would be if I had. There is no way I would be where I'm at, waiting to hear back on an amazing job opportunity. Yes, I worry about the reality that this too may not be the job. But I would hate to look back months from now and see how I didn't allow God to work in my life.
I don't have the ability to see the whole picture. I'm still learning to trust that God's plan for me is far more intricately designed than I could ever imagine. So now, finally, I can go on throughout my day, trusting, knowing that I will be taken care of- even if it's not the way I imagined, because I have chosen to have faith and commit to HIS way. But I also realize that each morning, I have the choice to live in my own little world, or to trust that God will act.
Today I choose to trust that God will open doors in his timing.
Back in Cali, I was comfortable. I had my weekly, daily, and hourly routine managed to a tee. My ducks were in a row, and no one could maneuver them but me. And of course there were baby ducklings added on every once in a while, and soon the little ones grew and matured- and then so did my schedule. Little commitments began to multiply and overwhelm my already packed life. But my ducks couldn't be drowned. I was stuck in the horror of being comfortable.
It's frustrating when we feel like we NEED to be comfortable, and then we don't allow God to move in our lives. We put ourselves in a place to comfort ourselves, rather than having faith to allow the Comforter to comfort us.
When I think of comfort, or lack there of, it reminds me of the Apostle Paul. His life changed when he committed his life to Christ. It wasn't just a subtle change, he was put in prison for preaching about Jesus Christ. He wrote letters while he was in chains. It didn't matter to him if he was comfortable or not. He continued to preach the Gospel. He turned his situation into a blessing for the hurting and the lost. Sometimes we feel that our pain is not fair, we don't understand why horrible things happen to us. To be a light in such a dark situation, it takes a faith in a God that has all the comfort in the world.
So if Paul can love and be a light from inside prison walls, why can't I do it on an everyday basis? It took me a move across the country to get out of my comfort zone, what will it take for you to get out of yours and start being an intentional light to those around you?
{1 John 2:15-17}
Do not love this world nor the things it offers you,
for when you love the world, you do not have the
love of the Father in you. For the world offers
only a craving for physical pleasure, a craving for
everything we see, and pride in our achievements
and possessions. These are not from the Father,
but are from this world. And this world is fading
away, along with everything that people crave. But
anyone who does what pleases God will live forever.
